Kissing The Face of God

Kissing The Face of God
Kissing the Face of God

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Living With Fear

Today, I took my husband to have his CT scan of his lungs, so they can better decide what the less than 1 cm "thing" they saw at the base of his right lung while doing a routine MRI of his abdomen is.  As you may recall in my post a few days ago, he is a pre liver transplant patient and has lived with hepatitis c and cirrhosis from the hep c for about ten years. This MRI of his abdomen was a routine one they do yearly to make sure cancer isn't developing. And, they found a lesion in his liver that is most likely cancer. If that were all, they said it is easily treatable and would bump him way up on the list. But, if there is cancer anywhere else, you are off the list.  You can still be treated of course, but you won't be getting a new liver. 

Tomorrow morning we will find out the results of the lung scan. He did have surgery in that lung 20 years ago--an extensive surgery to repair a stubborn collapsed lung--and Im hoping that is what they saw. His regular doc just did a chest xray for pneumonia last november and they saw nothing except pneumonia. Plus, they said that his alphafetoprotein level--a blood test that looks for cancer markers and is almost always elevated in cancer--was normal. 

However, I look at him and my heart just breaks. I want to weep all the time and I can barely seem to drive any of us to our destination without making 37 wrong turns and completely forgetting where we are headed or how to get there. My brain has gone on vacation.  Packed it's bags and said "I'm OUTTA HERE! Call me when it's over!". I can't seem to coax it back, either. 

I'm so ashamed of y lack of faith, my doom and gloom outlook, and my self centered "what am I gonna do?!!" thoughts. The sure mark of someone new in the Faith, and having an anxiety disorder on top of it makes it much worse.  Shame on me--God please, give me strength to bear whatever comes.

Thanks to all who are praying for us--I truly do appreciate it!




6 comments:

  1. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling afraid, Kerry. It's entirely normal for anyone, either new to the faith or a Catholic for many years, to feel panicky in such a situation. I know I would.
    Anxiety is so unpleasant to cope with - it seems to make even small things hard, never mind serious stuff.
    I have put in a prayer request to the nuns at the Benedictine monastery near here for Robert and you.
    My prayers are continuing for healing and peace.

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    1. Thank you, dear Chris! I appreciate that so much, knowing prayers are going up for him all over the world. Blessings to you!

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  2. Please know that I will be praying for you and your husband.
    Allow me to share with you this beautiful message from St. Paul found in Philippians 4:6-7 - "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
    The Lord is always faithful and true. Hold on to Him.

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    1. Hi Erin

      Thank you so much for helping me to find that verse again--it has long been a favorite of mine, the "peace that passeth all understanding". I remember now that whenever I would ask for it, it was given to me. Thanks again.

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  3. Being fearful and panicky is part of human nature. God knows that because He created us this way.

    When things are difficult in our lives, as they are presently in yours, we do not lose Faith. In fact, Faith increases. the very fact that we keep on praying, no matter how tired we are of praying, and the fact that we ask others to pray for us, is in itself a sign that we still have Faith.

    Please trust in God. His will be done in love for you and yours.

    I am praying for all of you.

    God bless.

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    1. Thank you so much Victor! That is so true. And please know I include you in my prayers as well.

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