I am a widow, I am not a wife anymore. I no longer have the right to check "married" in the "marital status" blocks on various forms. I have no partner. No one to listen to me read them interesting tidbits off the internet or read to the in the car while they drive. No one to say "that's my girl" when I give him a hug. No one to love our son, who can be a real handful, like I do.
I am not exactly "alone". I live with my two younger sons, 21 and 13, and two dogs, but the house feels empty. My days feel empty. Seeing his clothes makes me cry. Seeing his handwriting makes me cry. I cried so hard a few days ago, wailing in the shower so no one would hear me, that I actually broke out in hives. My doctor told me this was a normal response to deep grief.
I have people in my life who think I should be over it by now. I have others who totally understand. I went to a grief support group last night for adults who have lost spouses. Several were very fresh losses like mine. So much pain in one small room. Yet it was somehow comforting too, and crying was ok.
But still......
I am a widow. I have no husband. No one who would move heaven and earth for me if I needed him. No one human anyhow. I know, I need to lean harder on God. I know this.
I miss my husband.
I pray he is safe and happy somewhere and that wherever he is, he loves me still.
I read on an earlier post you are having problems with an auto-immune disorder that is not being diagnosed. I recently bought one of those Nutri-bullet things that are advertised on TV because I was beginning to suffer from unexplained severe joint pain and was thinking I needed to try juicing or something. (You can probably look this up on a web site and see this Nutri-bullet thing if you don't know what I'm talking about.) Pulverizing the vegetables and fruits and drinking this mix has taken away the pains and I feel much better. I began to feel better even after one week. I've been doing it about 2 months now, and even my sciatica pain is much less, and I am truly amazed. I guess the idea is that the nutrients are much more available to be absorbed into your system after they are pulverized. Anyway, I bought mine at Bed, Bath and Beyond with a 20% off coupon you can get from their web site by signing up to receive emails. So I got $20 off and paid about $80 for it. Because of it I am eating a lot more variety of fruits and vegetables (raw) than I ever did, even ones I don't like (like beets) because they taste okay all mixed together. You are supposed to make these concoctions using both vegetables and fruits. I buy the frozen berries (or freeze them myself, whichever is cheaper) so they last longer. Anyway, just a thought that might help you with auto-immune problems. God bless. Bonnie
ReplyDeleteSorry my post above seems so unrelated to your expression of grief. I thought of telling you about the nutrition thing because you mentioned breaking out in hives, and I thought of your earlier post about your auto-immune problem. When I read my post over I can see how misplaced it is, and I'm sorry.
DeleteI don't know how anyone thinks you should be over your grief by now. It is so fresh a wound, how could anyone think one recovers from such a loss so quickly? You lost him less than one month ago. In years past everyone gave the grieving person a year to recover a least a little. I know people who still tear up many years after their spouse is gone. It is so very normal. You will take as long as you take. You are not morbid. You are full of grief, and it is a reflection of your love. Please know others do understand the magnitude of this, and appreciate the depth of your sorry, your loss of identity, the many facets of what the death of your loved one means. God bless you. Bonnie.
Bless you Bonnie for your kind words and thank you also for the nutritional advice. I will give it a try.
DeleteKerry, I noticed your comment on Mrs. Fulwiler's blog, and I just wanted to drop by to say that I will be praying for you. I am so, so sorry to hear about your husband's passing; I welled up reading your words above.
ReplyDeleteOf course, we ALL need to lean on the Lord, and I know that He is with you - but I am certain that He understands your sorrow. He blessed you with your marriage, after all, and He knows and understands how deeply you love and miss your husband.
My heart grieves for you. I pray that your husband is safe in Heaven, in the everlasting love of the Savior - and I pray for peace in your heart as well.
Kerry, I also wanted to show you this lovely blog post:
ReplyDeletehttp://blogwithdebi.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-quilts.html
I wonder if, at some point in the future, you would want something like those beautiful quilts made for you and your children. It looks like the woman who made them left a comment and clicking on her name takes you to her website. (I do not know her but I think, from the photos, that her work is beautiful.)
God bless you.
Oh Jess, thank you so much. What a sweet comment and I will definitely check out your link. This has been a "tough row to hoe" as my mother used to say, and I seem to tear up every 5 minutes or so over something that reminds me of him. AT any rate, thank you so much for visiting and I hope you will come back.
DeleteI can not imagine your pain. I still have my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse and children. I have never had a loss like yours.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry for your loss and for the pain! If it was me, I would never get over it. My husband is my life, my rock and my love! I am pretty sure I would die of heart ach!
Please
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DeletePlease know that you are in my prayers
Oh Julie, thank you, and God gives us each a cross to carry. I haven't been doing a great job carrying this one with acceptance and bravery, I'm afraid to say. I can tell you that I felt--and feel--the same way you do. He was my life and love, I don't think I will ever get over it, and I feel that I will die of heartache if this pain does not ease up.
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