The People God Puts in our Lives

I have certainly felt the calming touch of God, our Father this past few days as he as blessed us abundantly with people to help us wade through this bleak time period.

When I went to Mass last Sunday, I was late getting there and had to ask the usher to find me a seat. He led me to a section I rarely sit in and pointed next to a woman who had a bit of room beside her. As we were kneeling during Communion, my old RCIA sponsor walked by me, put her hand on my shoulder and said "I'm so sorry about your husband". The lady next to me overheard. She asked me "You aren't Kerry Wolf, are you?" I said yes, and she identified herself as the lady I had spoken to on the phone the day before. She leads the grief and bereavement group at our large parish and I had asked by phone if I could start coming even though I am not "bereaved" yet, but am indeed overwhelmed with grief.  She had assured me I was welcome.

Anyhow, what a "God thing" to be placed next to her!

Following that, I went over to the RCIA class where I still hang out sometimes after the service--I have lots of friends still in RCIA or who are sponsors and I just needed to be with someone. I told a friend there that I really wished I could speak to someone who had walked the same path and who was about my age, perhaps with kids still at home, when they lost their spouse. She said in fact there was a lady right there she could introduce me to who had lost her spouse to cancer 6 years ago when she had 3 teen boys still at home. We sat in a side room and talked for 2 hours, and she helped me greatly. She wept openly as she shared her own pain with me, and her loneliness.  She has been in contact with me daily since then, and wishes to walk this journey with me.

My beloved CRHP sisters have organized meals for me which have been a great relief as well, and sent beautiful cards, medals, listened to me cry, taken me out for coffee, and just generally been a blessing.  And my sweet husband has agreed to see our Deacon  to talk about the faith--he is coming over thursday night. Also he has agreed to talk to our priest, which is so wonderful! I just hope I don't say something dumb and mess it up now that he is interested.

Please keep us in your prayers and I promise to write about something more upbeat next time. This is just so overwhelming right now it's all I can think of. We see the oncologist next monday.

Boy Howdy What a Week!

And it hasn't been a good one. 

I am in desperate need of a break, Dear God, for just a day or two, from all the incoming bad news and devastating horror. 

My husband was removed from the transplant list. because the radiology specialists at the transplant facility felt that since he had small enlarged nodes near his lungs, that indicated probable metastasis and they won't transplant if there is cancer anywhere but the liver.  They referred him back to his liver doctor here in town for referral to an oncologist. 

So, on wednesday, we went to see the liver doctor here. He told my husband that these tumors that occur in diseased livers are of the same type always, are aggressive, and frequently get into the blood. He said it can be treated but that the treatment causes a very severe rash.  He also said that if it had truly metastasized to the lungs, they "might not be able to treat that" but that we would have to ask the oncologist.  He also opined that untreated he might have 6 to 12 months to live--treated he might have double that.  But again, ask the oncologist. 

This was so heartbreaking for us both. We had both been hoping for some hope. 

He also is referring us to a new transplant facility in Dallas for a second opinion. 

Right now I am flattened with exhaustion, terror and extreme anxiety--yet I have to keep everything going and start learning how to do all the things I have never done before.

Today, I had an appointment with my priest to talk. However, he for whatever reason was not there today.  I ended up going to sit in the Marian shrine near our church. There was another person there--a man who looked like he had been weeping.  I asked him if he was alright, and he told me his wife of 16 years had asked him out for coffee this morning and dumped divorce papers in his lap, totally unexpectedly. She told him she had found someone else and that he needed to get out.  He told me they had a 12 year old son at home. 

He said he was utterly broken inside and had no idea what to do. He was raised a Catholic but had been away from the Church for 25 years. Yet, he was driving past our church that day and felt drawn to come in. He had spent some time in the Tabernacle and then outside with Mary, where I often go when I need a good cry. He said he felt like putting a bullet through his head. 

I told him I was familiar with that feeling of utter despair and fear, and of being blindsided with something.  We were both reeling, and yet had both come to church instinctively. 

I think after we talked he was feeling a little bit better and was open to the idea of returning to the Church again. Please lift up a prayer for him as well.  And thank you for your continuing prayers for my family. 

Living With Fear

Today, I took my husband to have his CT scan of his lungs, so they can better decide what the less than 1 cm "thing" they saw at the base of his right lung while doing a routine MRI of his abdomen is.  As you may recall in my post a few days ago, he is a pre liver transplant patient and has lived with hepatitis c and cirrhosis from the hep c for about ten years. This MRI of his abdomen was a routine one they do yearly to make sure cancer isn't developing. And, they found a lesion in his liver that is most likely cancer. If that were all, they said it is easily treatable and would bump him way up on the list. But, if there is cancer anywhere else, you are off the list.  You can still be treated of course, but you won't be getting a new liver. 

Tomorrow morning we will find out the results of the lung scan. He did have surgery in that lung 20 years ago--an extensive surgery to repair a stubborn collapsed lung--and Im hoping that is what they saw. His regular doc just did a chest xray for pneumonia last november and they saw nothing except pneumonia. Plus, they said that his alphafetoprotein level--a blood test that looks for cancer markers and is almost always elevated in cancer--was normal. 

However, I look at him and my heart just breaks. I want to weep all the time and I can barely seem to drive any of us to our destination without making 37 wrong turns and completely forgetting where we are headed or how to get there. My brain has gone on vacation.  Packed it's bags and said "I'm OUTTA HERE! Call me when it's over!". I can't seem to coax it back, either. 

I'm so ashamed of y lack of faith, my doom and gloom outlook, and my self centered "what am I gonna do?!!" thoughts. The sure mark of someone new in the Faith, and having an anxiety disorder on top of it makes it much worse.  Shame on me--God please, give me strength to bear whatever comes.

Thanks to all who are praying for us--I truly do appreciate it!

Worrying--always worrying.

Worried about fellow Catholic blogger Jen Fulweiler over at ConversionDiary.com , in the hospital with bilateral pulmonary emboli, while 24 weeks pregnant with her 6th little one.  May the Blessed Mother intercede for her before the throne of God--please pray for her and her baby boy!

Speaking of medical stuff, I should mention that since going into that lovely season of a woman's life, perimenopause, I have become a much bigger worrywart than I normally am regarding health related worries and have become downright hypochondriacal.  For several years now, I have struggled with what seems to be some type of autoimmune system disorder they can't really pin down and various other ailments that almost always convince me I have something fatal--usually cancer--and send me into paroxysms of panic.  If that's not going on, I worry about my sweet hubby who is awaiting a liver transplant, or my youngest son who has Asperger's syndrome.  I wish so much that I could rest in the peace of the Lord like so many I know are able to do, fearing not and knowing that He has it all under control, but so far I am still struggling, still praying, still worrying.  Le sigh.