Living With Fear

Today, I took my husband to have his CT scan of his lungs, so they can better decide what the less than 1 cm "thing" they saw at the base of his right lung while doing a routine MRI of his abdomen is.  As you may recall in my post a few days ago, he is a pre liver transplant patient and has lived with hepatitis c and cirrhosis from the hep c for about ten years. This MRI of his abdomen was a routine one they do yearly to make sure cancer isn't developing. And, they found a lesion in his liver that is most likely cancer. If that were all, they said it is easily treatable and would bump him way up on the list. But, if there is cancer anywhere else, you are off the list.  You can still be treated of course, but you won't be getting a new liver. 

Tomorrow morning we will find out the results of the lung scan. He did have surgery in that lung 20 years ago--an extensive surgery to repair a stubborn collapsed lung--and Im hoping that is what they saw. His regular doc just did a chest xray for pneumonia last november and they saw nothing except pneumonia. Plus, they said that his alphafetoprotein level--a blood test that looks for cancer markers and is almost always elevated in cancer--was normal. 

However, I look at him and my heart just breaks. I want to weep all the time and I can barely seem to drive any of us to our destination without making 37 wrong turns and completely forgetting where we are headed or how to get there. My brain has gone on vacation.  Packed it's bags and said "I'm OUTTA HERE! Call me when it's over!". I can't seem to coax it back, either. 

I'm so ashamed of y lack of faith, my doom and gloom outlook, and my self centered "what am I gonna do?!!" thoughts. The sure mark of someone new in the Faith, and having an anxiety disorder on top of it makes it much worse.  Shame on me--God please, give me strength to bear whatever comes.

Thanks to all who are praying for us--I truly do appreciate it!