Can't I Even go to a Movie?

Well, my youngest and I decided to go see "The Croods" this afternoon, an animated movie about cave people. I thought it would be a nice treat for us, as we almost never go to the movies, and man was I amazed at the PRICES!!! I recall a few years back joking about how one day soon it would be $10 to go to the movies, and lo and behold, it is. Not only THAT, but they wanted $6 for a small bag of popcorn and $4.75 for a small SODA! I was flabbergasted.  Even if I had the money, I would not pay that much for a soda anywhere.

But be that as it may, the movie was actually very sweet--until it got to the ending, where the world was splitting up into separate continents, and the dad who is a big strong guy, throws his family one by one over the gap onto the other, much nicer side, knowing he will be left alone on the soon to be destroyed other side. He then goes back to a cave and draws pictures of his whole family on the cave wall, then draws a figure of himself with his arms wrapped around them all in a huge circle.

By this time, Daniel and I were both sniffling and weeping.  But somehow, this being a movie, the dad figures out some fantastic plot and manages to get back to his family--which is totally something Robert would have done.  He always had something up his sleeve, whether it be a $20 bill tucked away somewhere when we were desperate for food, or a computer part we needed, or whatever. He loved to be able to say to his family, "Don't worry, I got'cha covered".  And he did. Always.

SO, we left feeling like we had been run over, and looking like we were staggering out of the scene where Old Yeller gets shot.

But when I got home, and was telling a friend by text, she said "Maybe it was just Robert's way of saying he is still there with you, just on the other side now."  And somehow that comforted me a bit.   Like he was saying "I'm still here. I got'cha. And Jesus has us all!"

Benedict Arnold Dog

You know it's bad when even your dog rejects you. My husband and I used to have the most wonderful dog on earth, named Zenith--a Catahoula Leopard Dog that we were blessed to find at a local shelter. We had never heard of the breed but we got her as a birthday gift for our then 3 year old son, and she was am amazing dog-a once-in-a-lifetime dog who was so smart, she trained us, and so comical and sweet and manipulative--but in a nice way--we adored her. She passed away two years ago from cancer  of the spleen, and our hearts were broken when we had to put her down.  SO broken in fact that we all went out immediately to get a new dog, as we just could not stand the idea of not having one, and Max, the other dog, belonged to my middle son, Tanner.

So, we ended up with a small German Shepherd-cattle dog mix named Sukey.  She's a sweet dog, a bit of a troublemaker, likes to chew things up, but we loved her. Not like Zenith, no, but she was a friend.  She always slept on the bed between Robert and I.

Well, since my youngest son Daniel--who has been sleeping in my room at the foot of the bed since his dad died most nights--began usurping her spot on the bed, she refuses to sleep anywhere on the bed. She umped up as usual the first night we came back from the hospital in Houston where Robert died, and when she saw it was Daniel and not Robert, she hopped right back down. She won't come back ever since.  I feel extra-rejected somehow.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1) Can I just please cancel all "special" days and holidays for the next year or so? I had a birthday and it was just way too painful without him, even though dear friends and my middle son tried to make it better....and I did win a wonderful St Therese Journal giveaway at Shower of Roses blog, which I could not help but feel was a "present" of sorts from Robert, as I never win anything. But missing him is just slaughtering me.  Nothing is the same, and I mean nothing.

2) This has got to be a super-depressing blog to read. I know I wouldn't want to read it if I were still happily married and trying to make a place for myself in the catholic wife-and-mom blogosphere. But I can't seem to find a way over to the "widow" blogs without  losing what I was looking for in the "Catholic" blogs and child raising blogs, so I don't really know where to go. Looking for a widowed catholic mom with kids still at home blogosphere seems a bit too......limited I guess.  There is no such thing apparently anyhow. So for now I have no idea where I fit in.

3) SO let's change the subject.......Amtrak Trains! How many have ever ridden one any distance, like, overnight somewhere or further? When I was little, we took the train from Union Pacific Station in Los Angeles across from Olvera Street to Beaumont, Texas to visit my aunt Bessie. She was really my great aunt and was like a grandma to me, and I loved that cool as all get out train ride.  I always read every word of the brochures, and we got a bedroom and there was a neat blue nightlight above my bunk, and the rails would sing you to sleep. And the next day as we went through El Paso, we went past  a big mountain that looked like an Indian chief lying down--Cochise, I think it was called.  Union station itself was a beautiful landmark of art deco design that really made you feel like you were getting ready to go somewhere BIG! And the train in those days (60's and 70's) had not only a dining room but also an "automat" car where everything was dispensed from vending machines (corned beef hash, I remember particularly) and they had all kinds of neat stuff.

Amtrak Automat car

Bedroom on train

Interior of lobby of Union Station--you KNOW you are going somewhere major when you enter here!

4)  Why don't nuns wear habits anymore? I mean, yes, some do, and those orders seem to thrive--the Nashville Dominicans, and the Mary, Mother of the Eucharist Dominicans for example. But so many don't, and I just can't imagine going to all that study and love and dedication to be a sister and want to help people, yet not let your identity as a woman consecrated to God be known to all upon sight.  I can't help but think it must have something to do with the fall off in vocations, among other things.


5) Russian Nesting Dolls--how can you not love them? My faves are the ones that have jillions of tinier and tinier ones inside til they are so tiny you can hardly believe it. My middle son got me a lovely owl one for my birthday this year.

6)  I can't read anymore. So many books and my brain doesn't work any more to read them. It's just.....broken somehow.  I can't think anymore.  My husband took my brain as well as my heart when he went.   I really should donate them to the church library.


7) Which reminds me.....I need to go try and find two books I am missing from there. I got a call today about it.  Oh, the guilt.

Panic Attack

I have suffered for three years with severe panic attacks. Up until now, they have all been health-related--I was forever convinced I was dying of cancer, or, in the rare moments when I was not , I was convinced my husband was. Very sadly, he did turn out to have cancer and we lost him in March.  Somehow that completely cured me of my own fears of having a fatal disease--I guess because of the thought of being with my beloved Lord, and my sweet husband again, now holds such beauty for me I no longer fear it.  But it was a high high price to pay to cure that worry.

Today I am having a minor-ish panic attack for the first time since he passed and I am trying to pray my way through it. I don't know what has brought it on exactly--maybe just the howling misery of not having him here with me. It's just a nameless fear, but it scares me. Maybe it's my upcoming birthday on tuesday--my first without him. I don't know.  But I ask for prayers that the Lord Jesus will help sail my boat to calmer seas.

On a lighter note, what a cute picture I found today of my now 13 year old son in first grade :

#3 son at age 6 on a butterfly garden field trip. What a sweet baby. 

7 Quick Takes Friday

1) I love the new Pope--such a humble man, how can you not love him? I can't wait to hear ore about what he will be doing in office. I love that he says a public mass each day! I wonder who gets to come?

2)  May is the month of the Blessed Virgin.  I think often of how much she endured--losing her husband, then her son. Then going on to help build the new Church--without the physical presence of either Joseph or Jesus. Such a brave, wonderful woman.

3) How on earth do people manage when a spouse dies? Even the support groups I go to and the blogs I read hold out little hope for improvement in the icepick  like pain, no matter how long goes by.  I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. He was my soulmate.  My friend.  I could always trust him.  He never lied to me. He always loved me. He never looked at anyone else. And he had the longest, most beautiful eyelashes on earth. How do people do it?  My mom died 20 years ago and as much as I loved her and as bad as it hurt, this is no comparison.

4) Went for a delivery with Mobile Loaves and Fishes last night, to take food and clothing to the homeless. It was unseasonably cold last night and people were begging for warm clothes.  We drove by the Salvation Army, and saw some through the windows upstairs making their beds, and the unlucky ones downstairs outside freezing and huddled around the building, racing up to get the food.   So much misery in the world, in so many ways.

Mobile Loaves and Fishes truck

5) I hate weekends. For some reason they are so hard to get through. I don't know why exactly--they just are.

6)  I am grateful for the support group I have been attending at The Christi Center.  It's a couple of hours out of the week I don't have to feel weird about bawling my eyes out til I break out in hives (as happened last week in the shower), or not being "over it" yet.  Everyone there knows what it's like--they know the awful, indescribable pain of losing your partner, your other half--and way too soon.

7)  Oh my Robert---please come back.  Please come back. Please come back.