I am a widow, I am not a wife anymore. I no longer have the right to check "married" in the "marital status" blocks on various forms. I have no partner. No one to listen to me read them interesting tidbits off the internet or read to the in the car while they drive. No one to say "that's my girl" when I give him a hug. No one to love our son, who can be a real handful, like I do.
I am not exactly "alone". I live with my two younger sons, 21 and 13, and two dogs, but the house feels empty. My days feel empty. Seeing his clothes makes me cry. Seeing his handwriting makes me cry. I cried so hard a few days ago, wailing in the shower so no one would hear me, that I actually broke out in hives. My doctor told me this was a normal response to deep grief.
I have people in my life who think I should be over it by now. I have others who totally understand. I went to a grief support group last night for adults who have lost spouses. Several were very fresh losses like mine. So much pain in one small room. Yet it was somehow comforting too, and crying was ok.
I am a widow. I have no husband. No one who would move heaven and earth for me if I needed him. No one human anyhow. I know, I need to lean harder on God. I know this.
I miss my husband.
I pray he is safe and happy somewhere and that wherever he is, he loves me still.